Remake Yourself! My Journey From Simple Whore to a Certified Sexpert!!

by Claire Anderson-Chow-Gonzalez-Green (Contributor)

Hi Mommies! I know lots of you read my articles and wonder “how can I also become a sexpert!?” Well let me tell you something that may come as a surprise: It was not that difficult at all! In fact, it did not take very long to become certified either.

Do you know why?

There really is not a certification to become a Sexpert! It does not exist! I know right?

Mind blown!

But that also does not mean that you don’t have to put in some work. As they always say, and I quote, “nothing worthwhile is accomplished whereas you get it without paying for it”, or something like that.

So here are some simple tips for you to become a Sexpert like me!

Research! Cosmopolitan has literally been researching the subject of sex for over 50 years! Whether it is “50 Ways To Drive Your Man Insane”, or “35 Ways To Make Him Crazy In Bed”, or “75 Tips To Make Him Deranged In Love With You”, they have it covered.

The kicker is this. You are not reading Cosmopolitan to learn new tips. You are reading it because they have somehow maintained this for 50 years and people still buy it!

Be An Authority: It does not matter if you really know anything or not. But if you utter complete nonsense with a sense of purpose, people will take notice. In fact, when you start out, you should try to make stuff up and see if it sticks. And in all honesty, almost everything you say will be made up nonsense even when you become certified.

For example, the other day one of my girlfriends said, and I quote, “I just want to know how to make my hubby more interested in sex!” I looked her in the eye and with 100% confidence said, and I quote, “Mangos. Lots and lots of mangos!” And before she could ask “why?” I was gone.

Abandon Your Moral Compass: This may surprise you some, because when I say this, I don’t mean that sex is immoral. The moral compass I am talking about is your basic integrity and you must be willing to abandon it ASAP.

Why is this?

Because you will be making money by making things up, and then, to make matters worse, nothing you say will actually make a difference. Women will be spending their hard earned money on feathers, edible lubes, lingerie, Kenny G downloads, rose petals, etc, etc. because you said so.

What no one tells you is that if you want your hubby to be more interested in sex, that a good ol’ fashioned 6 pack of beer and a football game afterwards is 1,000,000 times more effective than chocolate covered anything! A 5 minute trip to the convenience store is way more effective than spending an entire afternoon at Michaels buying sex supplies.

Headlines Make The Writer: You may be wondering by now, and I quote, “wait just a dog gone minute! This story was suppposed to be about how you were once a whore, and are now a sexpert! Gotcha! I never was a whore, obviously. No sexpert worth her salt actually gains her knowledge from real experience.

In fact, when you look at most of them, the idea of them having sex makes you feel a little icky. Nope. I am just a gal who basically makes shit up and then looks around my house for inanimate objects that you can use, which have absolutely zero affect on the male sex drive. Most of us are just unattractive, pontificating blowhards who have not been laid for months, if I am being perfectly honest. Then we have the nerve to tell you that you should buy $50 worth of candles.

Lastly…Have Fun: I know becoming a Sexpert takes a lot of work. But if you have fun while you are doing it, then it is not really work is it? My Dad always told me, and I quote, “find something you love, and then figure out a way to make money at it”.

Well as it turns out, making stuff up that women believe because I gave myself a nonsense title, coupled with a sincere desire to combine feelings of loneliness with a sad desire for the to give me money, is what I love to do.

And remember ladies. Mangos. Lots and lots of Mangos.