Breaking News! Weight Loss Industry “Wildly Indifferent” About Mommy’s One… Weird… Trick!

Henderson, NV

In response to an apparent marketing campaign that reportedly has the weight loss industry “furious”, industry spokesperson Megan Hubert , who would not disclose her current Mommy status, dismissed the claim the industry is in any disarray whatsoever regarding any recent claims.

“I would not say that we are ‘furious’ so much as we are ‘wildly indifferent’?  I mean every 12 months or so, someone claims to have found the magic bullet to losing weight.  First there was the Acai Berry madness that popped up everywhere.  More recently it is a concoction of apple cider vinegar, lemon peel zest, and honey (I think).  At no time has my boss ever called me into her office in a panic about any of these “weird tricks”.  In fact, if any of these actually worked, we would be all over it.  Are you kidding me?  Do you have any idea how much money we would make if any of this horse shit actually worked?”

After some exhaustive research, Mommys4Mommys.com was able to identify the brave weight loss pioneer and dieting aficionado Mommy/Amazing Inventor, of the newest one weird trick making the weight loss industry lose their minds, Leila’s Mommy Pauline Johnson.  We reached out for a comment:

“Of course that is what they would say.  They are furious AND scared.  Why would they want the average lady to know that all of their weight loss issues can be solved by dissolving salt in a glass of whatever, snorting a line of lemon zest, throwing said glass over their right shoulder before noon, and then taking a brisk run?  Do you know how much money that makes them?  Zilch!  So yes, they are furious alright.  I lost 5 inches off my waistline in 30 days using this one… weird… trick… and they know it!  There is one more weird trick that people need to employ for this to work besides that, but if it was “horse shit”, would it be featured on CNN?  How about MSNBC? The New York Times maybe? Washington Post?  Etc? Tell me that industry spokesperson, and undisclosed Mommy, Megan Hubert!”

We forwarded details of the revolutionary weight loss plan to industry spokesperson, and undisclosed Mommy, Megan Hubert for her response. 

“Okay so let’s get something clear.  Buying an advertisement on CNN, is not the same as being “featured” on CNN.  And if the goal is to really scare us, then why not give it away for free?  Why do I have to sign up and have 5 days of vitamins sent to me for free, but then have them bill me $75 if I did not read the fine print to cancel on most of these?

But that aside, we already bought her stupid weight loss “program”.  Do you want to know what the mystery “one… weird… trick…” is?  It is to eat a diet of decreased carbohydrates, added lean protein, drinking plenty of water, and engaging in frequent moderate exercise like running.  Of course, the reason they give for this is complete horse shit, and is completely antithetical to known science, or even the tiniest degree of rational thought, but neither here nor there.  We have been saying the latter for decades.  It is not some secret that we are hiding to make money.”

When pressed on why the reason given was complete horse shit, industry spokesperson and undisclosed Mommy Megan Hubert took a deep breath before stating:

“Well according to this plan, eating like shit and being inactive apparently sends signals to the universe causing negative energy to manifest in the lemon.  That is why they are overweight, apparently, even if they do drink it with apple cider vinegar and honey.  Because we all know it has absolutely nothing to do with eating a Hostess Cupcake and calling it lunch, apparently, but everything to do with the energy you transmit to a fucking fruit before you snort it up your nose.  But just to be clear, again, we are neither furious nor are we scared by any of this.  It is just sad, really.  She could hurt someone throwing glasses around like that anyway.”

We caught up again with Leila’s Mommy Pauline Johnson for her response:

“Ah ha!  She admitted it pure as day, she did.  Well this might interest you.  I TRIED their diets and none of them worked.  Some even said you CAN eat a Hostess Cupcake for lunch, but that you can’t eat anything else for the rest of the day.  How is that remotely healthy?  Am I supposed to starve for an entire day?  They are absolutely furious that they did not think of this one… weird… trick… first!  In fact, they are just mad because their “effort based” approach requires people to sign up for months at a time, while mine cuts all of that nonsense if you deploy this one… weird… trick… exactly the way I tell you to.  You don’t need months of dedication.  You need lemons, salt, and one… weird… trick… that has the weight loss industry hopping mad.  Of course they are furious!  And I have never seriously injured anyone, as far as I know, by throwing a glass over my shoulder.”

Before printing, we again reached out to industry spokesperson, and undisclosed Mommy, Megan Hubert.

“Look.  No offense but I really don’t have time for this.  I have things to do.  And I hope that you are not going to make a big deal about not telling you my Mommy status.  It is none of your business, really.

But I will say this one last time.  There is nothing you can snort up your nose that will help you to magically lose weight.  Well I take that back.  There is nothing legal that you can snort up your nose that will help you to magically lose weight, and heaven knows we do not endorse that. 

But all of that aside, yes, it will require effort to lose weight in a healthy way.  While we recognize that everyone loses weight differently and it is never easy, some base effort is required.  Call it “effort based” if that make you feel better, I guess, but you need to do more than snort a lemon, that’s for sure.  Sorry if that is some sort of weird news flash for you.”

At last report, weight loss pioneer and dieting aficionado Leila’s Mommy Pauline was last seen frantically running down the street happily screaming “I never ran this fast on Weight Watchers!”, after a glass she casually tossed over her shoulder in a crowded restaurant, reportedly hit local Los Kingston Trio gang member, and Mommy Gloria Vasquez’s Lil One “Shorty”, squarely on her right boob. 

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