So you think you can win at “Supermarket Sweep”…
by Robin Schmidt
Contributor
Hey ladies! So the other day I was scrolling through Netflix and noticed there was an old TV show being streamed. This show was called “Supermarket Sweep” and it was always my dream as a young “domestic engineer”, as Mommy’s sometimes called themselves back then. Well, according to the mainstream media, this show is about to make a comeback with Leslie Jones quitting “Saturday Night Live” to host.
Why am I telling you this? It is because one day in 1993 that my dream of being a contestant soon turned into a nightmare. While my Hubby Alexis’ Daddy John tells me, and I quote, “that was a long time ago and you need to let go…”, I am still haunted by our performance on that fateful day.
Not only did me and my partner, Olivia’s Mommy Ellen, not do well, but we finished dead last! You are probably thinking, “but how can someone who knows everything finish dead last?” am I right? As I look back on that day, all I can say is that I did the very best that I could. But we all lose sometimes, and even Michael Jordan couldn’t soar with a 228 pound ankle weight as a random example!
But just because we failed, doesn’t mean that you, my readers, also need to fail! Besides, you have something my Hubby John called “an Ace in the hole”, whatever that means, but I do know that I am the Ace!
Because as you know, I care about my readers! I just know many of you younger whippersnapper readers will try to sign on as contestants for the new version! Because of this, I want to give my best expert advice on how to not embarrass yourself in front of a national TV studio audience!
Here are some helpful hints for you to remember:
- There is not a single condom in that whole stupid store: Wait. You knew that? You mean in all 25 episodes we watched before we went on the show, that they did not have condoms? How weird! Because when talk show personality David Ruprecht asked us a question, and the right answer by me was “Twizzlers”, someone thought they were a condom brand and then goes off running looking for a pharmacy that is also not there!
- All of talk show host David Ruprecht’s questions are about food brands! Well of course they are! It should be pretty obvious I think. With that said, there may be someone out there who apparently has no freaking clue! So when, hypothetically speaking, talk show host David Ruprecht says “When you see creepy crawlies to keep you away, sp ….”, you don’t yell, and I quote, “Step on it!” at the top of your lungs
- Know what show you are on… So let’s say you stupidly do yell out “Step on it!”, remember that the answer is still not right if you quickly say “What is step on it?” That is for a show, that almost every other human being in the world knows, named “Jeopardy!” Oh and news flash in case it is not obvious, but the correct answer was “Raid”.
- Know the rules of the show… So even if you are bad as a team, because they don’t keep individual scores like they should, your team still gets participate in the Final Sweep! Well if your partner insists on doing this with a promise to, “redeem myself”, make sure they know that the goal is to spend the MOST money. Because while everyone else is grabbing Turkeys, your partner may just load up on vegetables thinking the goal was the opposite! Our total came to $14.98!
I was mortified! Even talk show host announcer Johnny Gilbert was speechless before saying “Oh the humanity! She is playing the game wrong! What is she doing??” - There are no time-outs! Even if you don’t have a damned clue what you are doing, there is lots and lots of running and there are no timeouts! So if you just so happen to pull a hamstring after somehow blindly running into a bonus, and you are waddling as fast as your chubby little legs can to return it, you can’t call a time out to pause the clock! And guess what? If you do not return the bonus, it does not count! At least try to throw it the final 15 feet before yelling “Time Out! Time Out!”
Anyway ladies, I hope these suggestions help! Just remember that you and your partner are a team! If one you becomes a national joke, on a slow news week, you will be right there besides them! The public certainly won’t be able to tell you apart, that’s for sure! Have fun ladies!
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