So you accidentally shoplifted an X-Box One…
By: Mommy Jen
Site Administrator
Hey ladies! You may have noticed that I have not posted anything for a couple of months. Well, there is a reason for this, and now I am going to tell you what that is.
In July of 2020, I took our Lil One’s Kaden, Kylie, and Karlie to our local Walmart. Well, long story short, I somehow ended up with an X-Box One in our grocery cart which was covered by our Lil’ Ones winter jackets, and I did not notice this until I got into to my car.
Not knowing if perhaps one of my Lil’ Rugrats brought an X-box One from home, I thought absolutely nothing about it. My Lil’ One Kaden is famous for bringing toys from home to the store. So when I went to unload our groceries, I asked him point blank if he packed his X-Box into the cart.
I said, and I quote, “Sweetie! Did you bring your toys to the store with you again?? You are a silly Lil’ bugger aren’t you?” For his part, since he is only 13 years old, he just shrugged his shoulders and produced a Hot Wheel that was in his pocket. So naturally, I assumed that he also brought the X-Box One that we gave to him last Christmas and drove away.
Boy was that ever a mistake!
Before we got home, there was already 2 police officers waiting at my house! At first I was confused about why they would be there. I honestly thought they were following up on a formal complaint I issued towards Haley’s Mommy Teresa for trying to poison us at our weekly potluck brunch. There were several witnesses to this crime, and she all but admitted doing it. She said, and I quote, “these cupcakes I made are to die for!”
Boy was that ever an understatement! I was bent over a toilet for days after having just 5 of them. She claims it was an accident, and also rudely noted that my “Sunbaked Chicken” at the potluck brunch could have been the culprit.
But no one else promised death with the food they brought, so I registered a formal complaint with the Better Business Bureau. After that went nowhere (because they don’t consider a home a business) I decided to get law enforcement involved.
Anyway, I digress. As it turns out, they were there because someone who shall go nameless at Walmart, but probably the so-called manager named Gunther who filed the police report, said we stole an X-Box One. I was mortified! I tried to explain to the officers that it was all a big misunderstanding but they would hear nothing of it.
Apparently, when a person buys something like an X-Box One, they can’t just pick it up off the shelf and generally need to ask for assistance. I remember talking to someone in the electronics section about getting a new charger, and was not really paying attention when they handed me a large box which I put under the coats in my cart like 99.9999% of people out there!!
Well guess what? That box was a brand spanking new X-Box One. What are the chances, am I right?
So since they would not listen to my perfectly logical explanation, they put handcuffs on me and dragged me to jail. It was like super embarrassing! To make matters worse, apparently the Mimosa’s I had for “Morning Mommy Time” had a little too much Vodka in them. The police called these by their street name and said they were called “Screwdriver’s” like I am supposed to know that.
They also said because of the Mimosa’s that I was “legally drunk” and endangered the lives of my Lil’ Ones by driving them to the store.
Can you believe the nerve of these people? I may not be a perfect Mommy, but the health and safety of me and my children is my number 1 priority!!
If they took a second to notice that all of my Lil’ Ones were wearing a mask, then they would have know that!
So again, long story short, they threw the book at me and I served a couple of month’s in jail. I really did not have a leg to stand on because the surveillance video was altered to make it look like I was walking funny, which is a lie, because I always walk perfectly straight!
Anyway ladies, I know that details of my false imprisonment may bore you some, so I apologize for doing this to you. But I thought it was important to explain why I just fell right off the face of this earth!
Also, I am always here to help, and since this blog is ALL about helping others, I see this as an opportunity to share some tips on what to do if you get arrested and convicted on a bogus charge!:
- Hit The Biggest Bitch You See First Thing: My cell mate named “Cocoa Puffs” told me to do this right after processing. I thought this was silly and ignored her. This was a mistake that I was only able to get out of after my cell mate offered to “shank the ho”. Which leads me to my next point of…
- Shank Your Own Ho: You see, prison has a different set of rules than the outside world. I did not really know this, so when my cellmate said “let me take care of it, and I can have your sweetness all to myself anytime I want”, I was overjoyed to finally make a friend who liked me for my sweet personality. I found out later, that this is not what she meant at all! She did not care that I was a nice person at all! I am not saying I hated it, but it still would have been better to shank my own ho.
- Don’t Drink The Wine: My cellmate also told me that she knew how to make her own wine! Being someone who loves crafts, I thought this was an amazing skill that she should share. Well as it turns out, she already had a batch made.
It tasted absolutely horrible!
It was not even made from Grapes! She created it by fermenting a rotten potato!! But not wanting to be a bad guest, I drank it all. Big mistake. I ended up in the infirmary for 3 weeks to fight off a nasty touch of the botulism.
Anyway, ladies. I hope this helps.
Sure going to prison destroys any chances of ever resuming a normal life (like never being able to complain that your hubby works too much ever again!!), but like everything else, with a few good tips (and a positive attitude), your stint in prison/jail will be over before you know it!
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