Breaking News: New Study Finds Being a Recently Hired, Moderately Fit, and Well Presented Office Worker, Raises Sexiness Level Nearly 4 Points on Average
Francesca Latimore-Hughes (Contributor)
Washington D.C.
A new study released by the Bureau of Organizational Workplace Tolerance suggests that if a younger, moderately fit, and somewhat presentable office worker starts a new job, it raises their sexiness level nearly 4 points in-office versus out-office perception.
“Outside of work I am at best a 4 or 5”, new office hunk Brandt Johnson reported.
“But then I started working here and it doesn’t even matter that I wear white socks with slacks. I keep getting attention and overheard some old 46 year old lady say I was “totally hot”, and that she would like to “copy and file him away”, whatever that means. It is a level of attention which has never really happened to me before”, he reflected.
“I guess going to the gym a few times a week is starting to pay off??”, he speculated before concluding , “Or maybe I am just the new guy.”
Accounting starlet, Sr. Accounting Manager Joanna Baker, a moderately attractive, yet slender, new employee at 1st Star Community Credit Union, agrees.
“They made us all wear credit union swag and then we took a picture to hang up in the lobby. I didn’t even wear makeup that day and just threw my hair into ponytail, but then I was making copies one day, and I overheard one of my male co-worker’s comment to another that “Joanna has got it going on!”, and could see that they were looking at the poster in the break room. I guess comparatively that is true, but I know I am barely a 6 on the outside. It is just that I am not all old and worn out, yet. But here I get treated like a solid 9!”
So why does working in an office make new, moderately fit, employees, suddenly hot to their new co-workers? To get to the bottom of this we asked former office hottie and HR manager Patricia Kline what she attributes to the phenomenon.
WHAT MAKES A MODERATELY ATTRACTIVE MALE OR FEMALE, SUCH AS YOURSELF, SUDDENLY ATTRACTIVE IN THE OFFICE BUT NOT IN THE REAL WORLD?
“Why, thank you! For me it is because I have big boobs and wear short skirts. That alone will make you an 8 inside an accounting office. My face is maybe a 4 but I could probably bang almost any man if I wanted to on the inside, and it wouldn’t be that difficult. I never would of course. “
NO DISRESPECT, BUT YOU ARE DEFINITELY NOT HOT, THOUGH TO BE CLEAR, YOU DO SEEM TO BE IN DECENT SHAPE.
“Why am I hot in the office? Because my body is like a solid 6 on the outside, so on the inside that makes me look like Vanna F’ing White, thank you very much…
But there are a few other factors to consider. The first is that a lot of these people out here have boring jobs. They spend years of their lives looking at a spreadsheet to make numbers balance, and if they do lift their head up, it is like living in a sea of endless poorly fitting polyester pants for decades.
Then eventually they hire some new, moderately attractive employee, who is trying to make a good impression by looking decent and acting the same. If he is tall with any muscles at all, or if she is an average sized blonde with solid B-cup plus sized boobs, roughly chest level or higher, then naturally people start thinking “I would totally do that!” They could have some weird mole with a hair growing out of it on their nose, and that is hardly noticed at first.
Then the fantasies escalate because you also don’t really know that person on a personal level, so that adds a bit of mystery too. ‘Is he looking to romance an older lady like me who wears the same clothes week after week after painful week?’ ‘Is she being nice because I am a co-worker, or is it because she wants to divorce her husband and marry me forever and ever instead?”
“It is crazy the delusions people can create just because someone doesn’t look hideous, and they haven’t seen them every single day for the past 15 years.”
WHAT ELSE MIGHT MAKE AN OUTSIDE 4 INTO AN OFFICE 8? IT SEEMS ASTOUNDING THAT SOMEONE CAN GAIN SO MUCH SEXINESS JUST BY TRYING TO LOOK DECENT.
“To build on the mystery aspect, once you work with someone for years, you sort of learn a lot about them, and that changes things over time. For example, ten years ago we hired this guy that was a total smoke show at first. He came in wearing a semi-pressed shirt with a new tie almost every day. Then I began noticing that he ran to the bathroom like 15 times a day. Then you hear rumors of rampant IBS and hear the occasional explosive diarrhea, and suddenly he just became Kyle. That took him from being an office 7 to a barely fuckable-4 in like 3 weeks. Once you find out someone has IBS, it ruins things for the lack of a better word, but you would probably totally tell people you would still do them, though you never will, because you are bored until new meat arrives.”
She continued…
“So then a new person comes in and they pack a healthy lunch. They have some color in their face and look so alive. They ask you things like “how are you today?” They walk around smiling at everyone and are exceedingly polite. They remember to tuck their shirt in and always wear a belt. If they are female, they are wearing a bra and not carrying their boobs on their belly… etc. etc.”
SO YOU MENTIONED KYLE, WHO I BELIEVE IS STILL YOUR ASSISTANT? HE DIDN’T SEEM TO BE THAT ATTRACTIVE TO ME. IN FACT, IN ANY SETTING HE IS MAYBE A 4.75 TOPS, AND THAT IS BEFORE KNOWING HE HAS POOP ISSUES. SO WHY DID YOU THINK HE WAS SO HOT?
“Yeah that is him. New meat, that is all. Something new to look at other than boring old Ed who always has his fly down and wears the same hoodie in the office every day. When Kyle started, he combed his hair and would talk about going to the gym. It is like a breath of fresh air to see someone who isn’t some old office hag. People would be surprised how hot you can become in an accounting office just by zipping up your pants and running a comb through your hair. And if you can maintain some level of a healthy body, then that is like holding a golden ticket for success.”
“Just don’t let it go to your head”, she concluded. “You need to become self-aware enough to know that you really are not that attractive in any other setting, with the exception, of course, being at a dingy beer bar near closing time.”
“It is not that you are suddenly hot, it is just that everyone else here is so damned ugly and boring that you look like Brad Pitt next to Brad’s pits and that hideous sweat-stained dingy-white polo shirt he wears almost every single day.”
“It is disgusting.”
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