Breaking News: Couple Slow To Realize That Everyone F**king Hates Them
by: Nellie Knudsen
Parhump, NV
Despite requiring masks for all participants regardless of their COVID status, which at best represented roughly 15% of the total number of people they invited, newlywed couple Terri and Terry Smith are slow to realize that everyone fucking hates them.
“I mean, I am a little disappointed by the turn out, but we just wanted to do our part to keep everyone safe regardless of any scientific literature suggesting that dirty cloth masks do little to prevent the spread of newer variants of COVID 19.”
She went on “…the safety of our guests and bridal party is our TOP priority! As such we will be requiring masks, validation of vaccine regardless of evidence of natural immunity, and hand sanitizer use for any who venture beyond a magic bubble near the reception area that somehow prevents the spread of the disease.”
We ask non-attending invited guest Gus, a technician at Pete’s Auto Clinic if the COVID restrictions were the reason he did not attend the wedding.
“I mean, it was sure a great excuse to not go. But between you and me, I didn’t really want to go anyway. I mean, I changed their oil once and they invited me to their wedding. First of all, I have never met them without a mask on. Then all they talk about is the fucking ‘Rona and then give tips like I have never watched the news. ‘Stay 6’ away from people!’ ‘Wear an N95 mask, but if you only have a cloth mask, then that is better than nothing.’ ‘They say that if you get the vaccine and get infected, that it helps with the severity and duration’. Blah blah blah blah… We all know this, and you know what, no one cares anymore! Plus they are just fucking annoying anyway.
It is like they are obsessed. When I told them that I got the vaccine plus the booster AND still got COVID they acted like it is some rare thing then blame it on people who got COVID without being vaccinated like they are fucking rubes. Like if 100 kids still got Polio after getting the Polio Vaccine would they still be telling people ‘but I am sure glad I got it!’? Fuck no. It doesn’t help that he regularly wipes his nose with the inside of his mask like a jack ass.”
It appears that arbitrary COVID restrictions are not the only reason people dislike the couple.
“This sounds petty, and it probably is…” said Kim a pedicure artist at the local Simple Divine Hair & Nail Salon, “…but Terri and Terry? Then when they introduce themselves the giggle and say…
“I am Terri!”
“No, I am Terry!”
“No, I am Terri!”
“No, I am Terry!”
…and they keep on until you just want to fucking punch them! I made the mistake of saying ‘Hey Terry’ directly to his stupid face and they both answered “Yes???” then laughed. And in case I didn’t get it, they had to explain that they have the same name for the 50th stupid time like I didn’t go to school with them since the 2nd grade.
I just wanted him to pay me and get out of my salon. I had some poor lady vomit in the garbage can after Terry said ‘Looking good Terry!’ and when she said ‘Thank you!’ he laughed and said ‘I was talking to myself, but you look good too Terri!’ then looked around as to absorb the hilarity of what he just said. Then the bitch got out of my chair, walked across the entire salon, and gave him a high five saying ‘Good one Terry!”
At the gift opening ceremony, the couple was astonished at the many wonderful $5 Walmart Gift Cards they received. The highlight of the ceremony occurred when they held their breath and showed each other what they looked like now, without a mask, from across a near empty room since they have not taken them off for the last 28 months, keeping true to their vows to protect each other until the survival rate for COVID 19 reached 99.999999987%.
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